Jokes for Tuesday

Working on a long (2 parter) post about this past weekend. In the mean time, here are some jokes. One was e-mailed, one was posted in comments and one was told verbally. can you guess which one had me rolling...?

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At the Pearly Gates


A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back the fuck off!! Or I'll kick the fucking shit out o f all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just now, I still have the nose ring..."

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Three guys are on a road trip. One says to the other two, "You know, we could be driving along here and get in a wreck and all be killed. If that happened, they'd take us to a funeral parlor and lay us out in caskets, and people would come and look at us lying there. If that happened, what would you want them to say?"

The first guy thinks and then says, "I'd like them to look at me and say, 'He was an honest, good man.'"

The second guy says, "I'd want them to say, 'He was a good doctor.'"

There's a pause and then the two who have spoken turn to the guy who had posed the question and say, "What about you? What would you want people to say if they were looking at you in your coffin?"

He replies, "Well, I guess I'd want them to say... 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!!!"

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Two hookers step out on to their corner ready to start an evening.

The first says “Ahh, I think it’s going to be a great night, the smell of cum is in the air.”
The second says, “Sorry, that was me, I burped”