Friday, October 05, 2007

Friday Funnies

A collection of blond jokes;
A quiz. How did you do?
An R rated joke, you've been warned...

*****************************************
Blonde Jokes

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

*****************************************


Test for Dementia

Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question.

You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)



First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? (no peeking)







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?


Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can YOU overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?




Third Question:Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
.....Maybe.


Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. You must read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair
of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you, he can speak!

************************************************************


The R rated joke

THE HORTH WITHPERER

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

3 comments:

Freddie said...

Loved the last one (though I must admit I merely skimmed over the blonde jokes).

Tanie said...

cracking stuff. Just found myself travelling through far too many sad, depressing Blogs. Maybe the advent of Autumn has got to the world. Made me laugh out loud.....cept there was me thinking of going blonde........

Jan said...

Re: Test For Dementia

Smart Aleck! LOL