Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Jokes for Tuesday

Working on a long (2 parter) post about this past weekend. In the mean time, here are some jokes. One was e-mailed, one was posted in comments and one was told verbally. can you guess which one had me rolling...?

**************************

At the Pearly Gates


A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back the fuck off!! Or I'll kick the fucking shit out o f all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just now, I still have the nose ring..."

**************************

Three guys are on a road trip. One says to the other two, "You know, we could be driving along here and get in a wreck and all be killed. If that happened, they'd take us to a funeral parlor and lay us out in caskets, and people would come and look at us lying there. If that happened, what would you want them to say?"

The first guy thinks and then says, "I'd like them to look at me and say, 'He was an honest, good man.'"

The second guy says, "I'd want them to say, 'He was a good doctor.'"

There's a pause and then the two who have spoken turn to the guy who had posed the question and say, "What about you? What would you want people to say if they were looking at you in your coffin?"

He replies, "Well, I guess I'd want them to say... 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!!!"

*******************************

Two hookers step out on to their corner ready to start an evening.

The first says “Ahh, I think it’s going to be a great night, the smell of cum is in the air.”
The second says, “Sorry, that was me, I burped”

8 comments:

dcsporty said...

Ummmmmm The burp??

Dirk_Star said...

I had a very weird dream last night.

You, me and Condolece Rice had died and gone to heaven.

As Condolece Rice walked up and stood before Saint Peter and introduced herself he checked the great book to see if her name was written in it.

After a moment he turned to her and said, "Your name is indeed written in the book of life but you were a little bad while you lived on Earth and for those sins committed you must suffer for a period of five years. After your time is served you may wander heaven unfettered."

Nonplussed, Condolece looked at Saint Peter and said," Okay, what is my punishment to be?"

Saint Peter smiled as he said, "For the next five years you will be chained to a very ugly man." As he spoke, former vice president Dick Chaney walked up and was chained ankle to ankle to Condelece Rice.

Condolece stepped inside the gates and waited for us to join her.

Now, when I stood before Saint Peter he spoured over the book of life and at long last looked at me and said,"DirkStar, your name is barely legible but your name is indeed in the book of life. Now, you were very naughty while you lived on Earth and for punishment we are going to have to chain you to a very ugly woman for your first fifteen years in heaven."

I was then chained to Barbara Bush.

As Condolece and I stood inside the pearly gates watching to see what would happen with you, we were amazed when Saint peter smiled and you were chained to Sharkira.

I wasn't going to question the wisdom of Saint Peter, but Condolence Rice was mad as hell. Well, she walked right up to Saint Peter an ddemanded just what you had done to deserve being chained to Sharkira.

Saint Peter smiled and said,"D.N.R. didn't do anything, but Sharkira was terribly bad when she lived on Earth."

He-He...

DNR said...

OMG!! Dirk that was excelent!!! I gotta use tht on a guy at work, too funny!!!

Kat said...

ROFLOL!!!!!!!!!!

too funny! All of em! (including Dirk's) :)

MrsJoseGoldbloom said...

You've been tagged...check my site. :)

Freddie said...

Hmm... Was it the first one? I dunno... The third one was pretty funny too.

C'mon. Fess up.

DNR said...

DC was right. One of our sales men told me the burp one and I about fell on the floor!!! Gawd, I was laughing sooo hard.

Wizened Wizard said...

Joke #1 was really funny.

What kind of idiot sent you joke #2??? ; )

Uh, #3 was - is crude a strong enough word?

I've always wanted to meet St. Peter. Guess I'll go beat up a biker.