Friday Funnies

Make that Sunday Funnies. I had something more important to say Friday. See here.

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Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

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What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.

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Read out loud . . .

My Dixie Wrecked!

I Am Sofa King We Tar Did!

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Cinderella was fired today from Disney world. She was caught sitting on Pinocchio face screaming “lie to me motherfucker, lie!”

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Why do women wear panties? Because it is a state law that all man holes be covered.

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An old lady was getting off of a bus from a recent blue haired tour. She stopped the driver and told him she was molested on the back of the bus. He asked her what happened and she explained that there was some old man on the back of the bus molesting ladies.

The driver went to the back of the bus and found an old guy crawling around on the floor and asked him, “What the hell are you doing?”
The old guy responded, “I’ve lost my toupee, I thought I found it 3 times, but mine is parted on the side and all of those were parted in the middle”

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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a bus next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?” The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath.” The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."