Trick, or Treat?

So, I’m sitting quietly in my house last night, minding my own business with my porch light off (in my day that meant "go away"), when, ding-dong. There’s someone at the door. "Rats, n frasin’ little twerp kids, don’t their parents tell them stay away from houses with the porch light off", I thought as I put down my laptop, paused the DVR and made my way to the door. "looks like a candle flickering… what the f-hell". As I open the door I realize it’s dog crap in a bag, on fire, on my front porch. "Ya little shits!! Well, at least they didn’t get me."

I stepped over the bag and head to the garage, got a shovel. Easy enough, pick up the flaming crap, drop it in the yard (glad it rained some in the last few days). The bag slowly goes out (wet poop doesn’t burn). Put the shovel away, then head back into the house. As I’m heading for my favorite easy chair, I hear a bump come from the other room. I guess it was more of a pat or pad, you know, like something soft lightly bumping into something hard. I reach around the corner and flip on the light and… nothing. "I swear I heard something". No sooner did I finish the thought when something brushes past me and the lights went out. I about jumped out of my skin, and for some silly reason I pushed the door shut, slam-thump… Now I’m freaking, doors don’t make two sounds when slammed, especially if they don’t shut. I fumbled my way to the light switch and OMG!!! One of those little shits is in my house!! Currently knocked out laying on my living room floor.

Oh, ha ha ha. (my best evil laugh) Here’s my chance, I can teach these kids and their liberal "my kids never do anything wrong" parents a lesson. Quick and quiet before he wakes up I loosely duct tape his mouth shut and his hands behind his back. Grab a ketchup bottle out of the kitchen and pour some on the floor and table sitting near by, grabbed a big knife and a meat cleaver from the kitchen, ran both through the ketchup, just as this little punk started to stir. "Good, your awake, I hate cutting kids into little pieces when they’re sleeping, I don’t get to hear any good screams. Come on, you’re next…" as I stood up with both knives in my hands. Heh

I have never seen such a small person have such big eyes. He jumped up, cleared the front door heading down the drive, screaming all the way. Still amazingly loud considering he still had the duct tape partially covering his mouth. Apparently mom had come looking for him, because as I shut the door (for real this time) I could hear a chorus of screaming coming from outside.

As I re-situated my self in my easy chair, I couldn’t help but laugh. I think I might have to pass out candy next year.